This Thing
by Confoundment
Summary: J/L: And I briefly think that I'm sure there is not a better feeling in the world than this right here.


_Disclaimer: Anything recognizable is not mine._

_Author's Notes: Hello hello! Here's a fluffy little one-shot to (hopefully) brighten up your day! Please, read and enjoy! (I'd be oh so happy if you threw a review in there as well)_

_**News!** I am seriously considering doing a rewrite of "A New Era" and continuing it from there... send me a pm to let me know what you think. And if I do end up rewriting it, would you all prefer it if I left the old version up? Let me know! :)  
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This thing… it's new. It's like this whole new world, for me anyway—I hope for her as well. It took me six and a half years to wiggle my way through her numerous defense mechanisms, through the booby traps set to sort out the weak. It took a long time and I bloody well made her hate me for a few years, but I made it. Like she said on that beautiful night—it had been the first snow of the season—I was no longer just and annoyance in her mind, nagging nagging nagging, but I was an annoyance in her heart as well.

And I was more than ok with that.

From my spot sprawled on the plush crimson sofa (Gryffindor pride, even in our private Heads' dormitory) I see her exit her room, on her way to the bathroom. Her hair is this frizzy mass of auburn, curls tangling as they hang past her shoulders. Half-closed, her brilliant emerald eyes are bleary and I think I see just a bit of that crusty gunk collected at the corners beneath her smeared mascara. Her oversized t-shirt is rumpled from sleep and her bed shorts are just short enough to make my eyes linger. She reaches up to wipe her eye, yawning widely. She pads along slowly, hardly lifting her bare feet off the ground. She's got a towel draped over one arm and she doesn't notice me as she passes our shared common room. I smile at her retreating form and a moment later, I hear the water turn on.

There's just something about her—there always has been. Every time I see her, my heart can't help but constrict. It's not her appearance (though if I'm being honest, she's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen), but something else, something more. Maybe it's her personality—stubborn, strong, witty and clever—but it feels even greater than that. There's this pull I feel towards her. I see her and I find it horrendously difficult not to bound towards her and take her into my arms, like we're two magnets that have been forced apart for far too long. I wonder if she feels it too. I hope so, so desperately, but a part of me believes she doesn't, that I'll never truly be as important to her as she is to me. Another even larger part believes that it's just not possible for her to feel the same way. It's these lingering shadows of doubt that hover on the edges of the light she brings to my day, my existence. Despite these worries, I know that it doesn't matter yet. For now, I'm lucky enough to call her mine and that's enough.

I hear the bathroom door open and out comes a fully dressed, ready for the day Lily. This time, she sees me on the couch.

"James." Her voice is soft, still a little groggy despite her shower. "Good morning."

She's smiling slightly as she walks toward me. I still can't believe that sometimes—hell, _often_times I am the reason behind her smile.

"Morning," I murmur, lifting myself into a sitting position.

She comes and sits between my legs. She leans back, resting her head gently on my chest. I slowly wrap my arms around her waist and she intertwines our hands. I gaze at our fingers—hers, mine, hers, mine—and I can't help but smile and the simple beauty of it. I kiss the top of her head softly and she lets out a little sigh. I bury my face in her hair and breathe in her fresh, intoxicating scent. I feel as though my heart is about to burst.

I almost slip. I almost whisper, "I love you," right into her ear, but I don't. It took me so long to get to where I am now, I'm not about to fuck everything up just because I love her so bloody much. But God, it's _hard_. I never thought it would be so difficult to _not_ tell someone you love them. I love Sirius, for example, but I don't have this horrible, crushing, suffocating _need_ to tell him every time I see him. In fact, I believe we've only said it twice, and we're both quite alright with that. It's different with Lily. Although, who am I kidding? It's always been different with her. Every day, every time I see her, that need just gets a little stronger. It's becoming harder and harder, but damnit, I will not scare her away. After all this, after truly knowing what it's like to be a part of her life, I don't think my heart would survive losing her.

"You hungry, love?" I whisper instead.

"Mmm," she sighs. "Yeah."

She moves to stand and pulls me up with her, but before she begins to exit the tower, I pull her back to me. She's flush against my chest and I snake one arm around her waist, the other brushing her cheek as I move to rest it in her hair. Our faces are close, so close. Our noses are touching and her breath, always sweet, fans across my face.

"I don't believe," I murmur, "that I gave you a proper hello."

She smirks, one hand on my chest, the other playing with the short hairs at the back of my neck. "Hmm, I don't believe you did."

I grin and gently press my lips to hers. I can feel her smile and I know she feels mine. Our smiles slowly fade, though, as our lips dance together to a secret song, passion growing with each passing second. I'm warm, so fucking warm, inside and I briefly think that I'm _sure_ there is not a better feeling in the world than this right here. Every place our bodies meet is electric. It's all so much, so wonderful, that it's impossible to concentrate on any one thing. Her hair is silk that tangles in my fingers. Her lips are magic beneath mine. It's amazing how even after three months, kissing her is still just as captivating.

I pull away first. I know myself (and her) well enough to realize that if we don't stop now, we will definitely not make it to the Great Hall for breakfast. When she opens her eyes she smiles that knowing smile that says she was thinking the same thing. She rests her head on my chest and I keep my arms around her and we just stand like that for a few minutes before making our way to breakfast.

I see Sirius, Remus and Peter at the far end of the Gryffindor table almost the moment Lily and I enter the hall, hand in hand. Lily sees them too and heads straight for them. I can't keep the grin off my face.

It's incredible how easily she became friends with everyone. I don't know if it was gradual or sudden, but one day, not long before we began dating, she was sitting with us, chatting with Remus, laughing with Sirius, assisting Peter with his revising. She shifted between each of them as fluidly as water in a stream. I recall gazing at her, wholly amazed. After all, not many people are capable of handling each of the Marauders with such grace, and the Marauders do not allow many people to do so. She glanced at me and smiled. It was then that the small glimmer of hope hidden deep in my heart flared and I thought that maybe, _maybe_, I had a chance.

On this morning, she sits beside Remus and I sit beside her. I study her for a moment as she goes about her breakfast routine. She grabs a slice of toast, spreading a hearty serving of honey on one side. As always, she takes a few pieces of bacon, arranges them on top and takes a bite. I will never understand how she can eat that.

Sirius is talking at me now, prattling on about some issue he's having with his fellow beater. We joke and laugh about how I should punish him, being captain, at the next practice for being such a git. We both know that I won't, but pretending is nice every once and a while. The conversation moves to our next Hogsmead trip and how Remus has a date with a witch in our year. Peter grumbles about how he wants to take Amelia Godard and Sirius berates him for not just _asking_ her.

This is all very normal for a Saturday morning and I feel that familiar bubble of happiness as I look upon my friends—no, my _family_ and as I notice Lily's soft little hand in mine. I turn to look at her, a content, satisfied grin on my face. She's staring at me, her emerald eyes wide. She's got this look on her face and I can't quite place it. It makes me nervous. My grin fades quickly and I suddenly have this need to know exactly what it means. I think in a moment (that really lasts a whole lot longer than a moment) of paranoia that she's changed her mind, realized I'm not really worth her time after all, and that bubble of happiness pops, almost audibly, and it feels as though it was never there in the first place.

And I think, _What will I do without her?_

And I think, _Will I be able to just let her go?_

And I think, _Was there ever any other option?_

Maybe it's just this doubt, floating through her mind. Maybe it will pass. Maybe I just need to wait it out, give her space when she asks and spend the rest of the time on my absolute best behavior.

I try to smile at her again, but I'm not sure if it works. She's still staring at me and I feel like my stomach is twisting and my heart is tearing.

"I need some air," she mutters.

I'm about to reply when her hand slips out of mine, as easily as it had slipped in, and she walks away.

Sirius looks at me, brows furrowed.

"What the fuck was that about?" he asks, eloquent as always.

"Don't know," I mumble, unable to form even a short, complete sentence.

"What's wrong with you? You look like you've just seen a ghost."

I don't answer. I don't think I can, even if I wanted to. But Remus is staring at me with that knowing look and I just can't take it. This once pleasant morning has transformed into something awful and ugly and I realize just how fucked up it is that she has this effect on me. Instead of answering, instead of trying to take comfort in the presence of my best friends I just get up and leave. I wander aimlessly and I'm not surprised when I end up at the entrance of the Heads' tower.

Once inside I rummage through my trunk until I find the map. I flop on the sofa and scour the castle for her tiny black dot. After forty five minutes of fruitless searching, I check the grounds. It's then that I see it. She's by her beech tree near the lake, pacing pacing pacing. I know now that I wasn't imagining anything, that something did change at breakfast and this knowledge pierces me, more painful than any weapon. I stare at her dot, worried about our relationship, worried about her emotional well-being, her physical well-being. It's bitter and cold outside and I don't think she has a cloak. I want desperately to bring her one, to take her into my arms and rub the cold away, but I know that's a bad idea. For years, after our ground-shaking rows I'd sit and just watch her small dot. Most times, she'd walk away from me, so angry, and take solace by her beech tree. A few times, I'd sought her out there and it had never ended well. It's clear that she wants to be alone, that she wants time to think. So I settle for watching her. She paces for a while. When she stops, I know she's seated, contemplating. She starts up again and this pattern goes on for over two hours. Finally, she starts heading back to the castle and I let out a sigh of relief. The route she takes is familiar and I know she's heading back up to our dormitory. I put the map in my pocket and just stare at the fire, willing my pace and my breathing to slow, to calm.

She starts when she sees me lying there, obviously surprised.

"Oh! James," she says with this small timid smile.

Timid? Lily has never been timid.

"I'm sorry for just leaving earlier. It was rude."

My eyes search her face, desperate to find what's changed, but I see nothing. This calms me down.

"It's alright," I assure, sitting up.

She comes and sits beside me. She's close, but I want her closer.

"I just needed some time to… think."

I take a deep breath.

"Listen, James…"

Inhale.

"I need to talk to you."

Exhale.

Is this how it's going to be? She's going to destroy my world, but take an eternity to get the fucking words out?

"Alright."

Now she takes a deep breath. I am wholly aware of the fact that I don't like this, not one bit. I want to stuff her words right back into her mouth and rewind the last four hours. I want to start the day over, make sure I do everything right, make sure she doesn't want to say the words I know she's about to say. Why can't it just be a happily ever after? Why do there need to be complications?

I know that I'm going to be devastated. I know that it's going to feel like she's reached into my chest, grasped my poor beating heard in her delicate little hand and thrown it to the ground to be stomped on by her petite feet. But I know that no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it kills me, I'll let her go, because her happiness has always been before mine. If it's what she wants, then she'll get it. I've never been able to deny her anything.

"I realized something this morning." She speaks softly, as if the volume of her voice is going to be the thing that breaks me. I almost want to laugh. "No, that's not entirely true. I realized it a long time ago, it's just taken until now to accept it, to understand it." I want to shout at her to hurry up, that drawing this out is hurting worse than anything else, but I don't. "God, I don't even know how to say this." She takes another deep breath, takes my hand in both of hers. Her eyes are boring into mine. "Being with you, James, has been wonderful. I've never felt anything so powerful. I never thought being with you would come so easily. It's like we fit together perfectly, you know? All your jagged edges meet with mine so we're not so uneven anymore. This thing… it's new, but it's been easy, natural. God, I'm rambling. But…" She looks down at our hands, glances at the fire, looks back up at me. My eyebrows are knit together. I agree with everything she's said, with my whole heart. "Why is this so hard? It really shouldn't be. I'm nervous." She squeezes my hand. I breathe deep, ready for it to end, close my eyes. "Fuck it. I love you."

"I under—" My eyes fly open. "Wait. What?"

"I love you, James. So much. _Too_ much, probably. It's just, this morning, after I took my shower, I was so _happy_ to see you. And sitting with everyone at breakfast, watching you with them… seeing you so happy made _me_ happy. It was all so much… I had to go collect my thoughts, figure out what I was feeling. It took a while, but I did."

"You… you love me?" I'm shocked. Awed. Stunned. You could knock me over with a feather.

"I… yeah. I do." She smiles, but the smiled disappears as quickly as it came. "Oh, hell. I'm sorry. It's too soon, isn't it? God, I'm stupid. I shouldn't have… Fuck. Can we just—?"

"You love me." While it had been a question before, this is a statement, a confirmation.

"Not if—"

But I've pulled my hand out of hers and now I'm cupping her face and I'm smiling. I press my lips to hers and it's fireworks and lightning and Christmas and a warm spring day. It's like I'm outside again, kissing her for the first time in the middle of the first snowfall. It's beautiful. She's not ripping me apart, tearing my heart in two. No, she's kissing me and I'm kissing her and she loves me. She fucking loves me.

I pull away, bury my face in her neck. I breathe her in.

"I love you too," I murmur. "God, I love you too."

I'm shaking and I feel like crying about how happy I am and how worried I was and I want to laugh at how ridiculously emotional I am.

Her arms wrap around me, hands stroking my hair. I sit back a little and kiss her nose, her chin. I brush my lips across her jaw, her neck, her collarbone, whispering "I love you" into her skin. I want to tell her how much she means to me, how perfect she is, how beautiful, but I know words will never be enough. So I settle for holding her. In front of the fire, we're happy and safe and loved.

Because this thing… it's new. But it's easy and beautiful and warm. This thing, it's love.


End file.
